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Amazingly Bad Poetry Journal Review - You Are My Sunshine

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Jan. 24th, 2011 | 07:52 pm

You Are My Sunshine
by Nick

(Please note first word of each line spells title)

Yearning to be by your side,
Out of reach but hungrily eyed,
Unsung the flow of the passions tide.

Aching, craving needing more,
Reeling emotions, je t’adore
Enlightenment dawning, furthermore.

Malignantly caught by this mantrap,
Youthful smile that doth bind and doth wrap.

Sexily shimmering, beauty abound,
Unusually drawn, true love so profound,
Sassy and classy, is there common ground?
Honey a sweetheart, so please stay around.
In my clear notion our love can be crowned.
Never before have I felt so unsound,
Excepting my advances story unwound.

Poetry.com has changed considerably in recent years. You can now review the submitted poems and give them a score on a 1-10 scale. The top poem of the day, month, and year receive money prizes. I'm not sure how it works if the same poet is at #1 for many weeks in row. The whole site has become a massive circle jerk with thousands of participants. Like the hundreds of other social networking sites, it's potentially addicting. That's why one user has posted approximately 2,500 reviews (1-2 sentences each) since May 2010. I'd be very curious to know what this woman's house looks like. There's a remarkable flaw in the system, as there's nothing to stop someone from voting '10' on the same poem over and over again. A composition entitled "Them Monkeys at the Zoo" had 45,000 ratings before being removed by an admin. At the time of this writing, the top poet is a fellow named Ian. He has 251 poems on the site. 92 of these are listed in the daily top 100. It would seem that the poetry.com denizens would worship Ian if he began writing poems dedicating to insulting other authors on the site. They would continue to toss roses at him if instead of poems, he posted JPGs of his athlete's foot fungi.

On the new poetry.com, Nick's poem was rated 18 times for an averaged score of 7.772 out of 10. 11 people have reviewed it, with one to three sentences in each review. Why am I mentioning all of this? What does the inane rating system and the ad nauseam reviews of each others poems have to do with anything? It is because not one of the 11 humans who reviewed Nick's acrostic poem pointed out that the title of the poem should really be "You Are My Sushine."

This is the poetic equivalent of the Detroit Lions going 0-16 in 2008. Nick forgot the "N" from the acrostic poem. I did not write the note in parentheses at the beginning of the poem. This is all Nick. I'd like to believe the poem is an elaborate joke that never had a pay off because no one noticed. I'm wondering if the error should be viewed as even more flagrant because Nick's name begins with N. Maybe it's tunnel vision. He's so used to seeing the letter N, he forgets it when it's necessary. I swear, if poetry.com shuts down this blog tomorrow, it would all be worth it. I think this is better than the aspun, the anishels, or the explosive shafts. As you can tell, I don't get out much.

My best guess is that Nick wrote the line and then deleted it, meaning to go back and rewite it. At least, that's what I hope happened. What probably really happened is that he was watching "Family Guy" clips on his ipod while writing this poem and that was sufficient to keep the line out. I'm going to stand out on a limb with the theory that the line would have begun with "Naked." Maybe that's the reason it was cut out. It was too lewd/distasteful for a family website. I would argue that it's much more perverse for an acrostic poem to be missing a line.

The poem itself does not help anything. It is disconnected to the point where it might as well have been written by 15 different people. The person assigned to the first 'N' fell asleep, due to being drunk. Speaking of drunkeness, can someone explain to me the motive behind the lines "Malignantly caught by this mantrap, / Youthful smile that doth bind and doth wrap." Malignantly? Do I have to explain that there is no way something can be described as both "malignant" and positive? See also: hostile, unfriendly, malicious. Nick, are you okay? Is there something I can do? Call me. Let's talk, dude. He also calls this (hopefully fictional) woman a "mantrap." Did you have a hard time thinking of rhymes for "succubus" or "tramp"?

Bad Poetry Grade [F = your standard bad poem; A+ = worst poem imaginable]: A+
Now with more libel! Become a fan of this objectionable blog on the Facebook...

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Comments {10}

near fantastica

(no subject)

from: purebeing
date: Oct. 9th, 2011 10:23 pm (UTC)

"Sexily shimmering"! That is... wow. This may very well be the worst poem I've ever seen in your reviews. Gold star!

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