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Professor Roy and the Amazingly Bad Poetry Journal

22nd June, 2005. 10:39 pm. Amazingly Bad Poetry Review - Proven

from the "A"-grade author of "Plunge," the stickiest poem in ABPJ's history (including those with sex scenes)...

Proven
by Matthew; San Francisco, CA

What began in the shadow of a midnight sun
Took flight on the beat of a new dawn.
The rhythm played a melody of true love
In a world where cynics hear only silence.
Like raindrops falling on a pristine lake,
Each moment of knowing you bloomed
And rippled through my life in abundant joy.
Every second, every minute, every hour a song.
True love moves in time, steady like a ship
Splitting the tides with a confident bow.
And soon the sea will have yielded to our love --
A prince, now proven wrong, reflects back
And sees the knight atop his steed
With weapons drawn and ready for command
For royalty needs its battalion, sure and true.
The warrior, a lonely hunter without his prince.
Together, they stand unlimited
Driven by passion borne of past fears,
Now dissipated on the armors of a future
Where two souls are joined for good.

"The rhythm played a melody of true love / In a world where cynics hear only silence" ... well, well, well... somebody's tooting their own horn. (Incidentally, unless you're totally deaf, how often do you hear silence?) Well, Matthew, I'm as cynical as they come and you wouldn't believe what I'm hearing right this instant. Put that in your self-aggrandizing pipe and smoke it, chief. If you must know--I'm listening to a symphony Beethoven wrote in his head (but he died before he could put it on paper). And last night I fell asleep meditating on the heartbeat of a great blue whale of the coast of Fuji ...and fantasizing about Anne Boleyn, but that's not important right now. Maybe you'll think next time you start shooting your mouth off about cynics.

He just can't stop chattering about his great love affair, can he? If he has any friends, he must drive them insane. I couldn't well resist this one when it came down the pike right after "Plunge." I'm presuming that he's extolling the virtue of the same person in both poems. In "Plunge," we get Matthew contemplating their love and nauseating his audience. There's no deficiency of cloying mushiness here, but as an added bonus, we get a look into their roleplaying fetish. Maybe they both really really like the Highlander movies, I don't know. I should get something out of the way lest I get accused of ignoring it. Matthew is gay. Very gay. I just want to point out that fact. More power to him. Good luck with that. Bless you and your love, but your poem still sucks on toast.

His sexuality isn't up for debate. The warrior has his steed and his (male possessive) prince. And there's the prince. It's pretty black and white. If the poem didn't make me want to break dishes, it would be admirable that Matthew wanted to leave no doubt about his sexuality. But now that we have this important factor established, I hope all the ABPJ readers will forgive me for wondering about the size of the knight's sword and how many times per month does the mighty ship split the tides with its bow? Adam, Eve, Steve, prince, princess, joker, midnight toker, it's still amusing to me. Do you suppose Matthew let anyone read this poem before submitting it? Where was Matthew in fifth grade when the rest of the class was learning about symbolism? "Atop his steed"?? "Weapons drawn and ready for command"?? Really now! Hasn't this gone far enough? It's almost too outrageous. I wish there was some way to make 100% sure that "Proven" wasn't written as a prank by a couple of high school football players in Idaho who only kissed that one time and they were both really drunk at the time and sure, they cuddled later, but they're not like homos or nothin'...!

In Matthew's relationship, who's the prince and who's the knight-warrior? Maybe they switch back and forth. I would hope for Matthew's sake that he's the warrior (bang, bang, I am the WAR-EEE-ORE!) because I hate to see someone so blatantly stroke their own egos (by dubbing themselves the prince, in this case). The knight-warrior (I'm hoping (for the sake of the review) that it's the same person) is beholden to the prince. "A lonely hunter without his prince" -- pardon me a sec, Matthew, but Carson McCullars' lawyers would like a word with you. So the knight is at the command of the prince, but what does the prince do? He's been proven wrong, but is that a full-time job? What's his role in this relationship? As long as we're here, what is he proven wrong about? The line, "Driven by passion borne of past fears," could be a clue but it refers to them both, not just the useless prince. Past fears could mean fear of coming out as gay, fear of falling in love, fear of werewolves...anything really.

Matthew and friend are clearly going through their honeymoon period. If it's long-term relationship and things are still intensely lovey-dovey (I wuv youuuu, my little prince!) there's something very very wrong. While in "Plunge," we're stuck in some Candyland-inspired location, we move around a lot more in "Proven." We're in the sky, we're in a lake, we're at sea, and then we're at a Medieval Times theme restaurant in Buena Park, California. You could take a pizza cutter to this poem and suddenly, as if by magic, you have three really bad poems when before there was only one. I wonder how many bad poems are the result of Renaissance Faires. It's probably better that I don't think about it too much.

Bad Poetry Grade [F = your standard bad poem; A+ = worst poem imaginable]: A+
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